Day 3
We met today. It’s Christmas Eve and apparently I haven’t had enough pain, so meeting him was the cherry on top. I had to return some things. I cried. He cried. Every hug screamed, “This is the last!” There was a mention of being friends. It’s comforting, but who knows how truthful. We text, we share what were going through. I have no clue if this is normal, or what other couples do. I’ve never been though a break up like this. I don’t know the rules and I’m not trying to follow anyone else’s. Every relationship has their own, so why not have your own break up rules. It may not be healthy to talk to him, but it’s comforting. We can talk. I can hear his opinions and fears and stress. He can hear mine. There is a peace in it, but that doesn’t stop the pain or the tears, which still come freely. Voices speak to me about my own future, my own possibilities. Their great, but not what I want yet or ever. I wanted a life with him. I was sure of it. What am I supposed to do now that I can’t have it? Part of me reasons still for a future with him. I hate this part because I know it can’t be. I’m worried about future relationships. If I find someone else how could I possibly love him more? Will I always compare everything to Matt? That wont be fair to anyone I try and date, or myself.
Friday, December 24, 2010
The Whys
Day 2
Not any better. I had my first dream post break up about him. It was like taking a bullet. The dream was us in a normal relationship. Something I’ll never see again. I tried to stay busy. I can’t be alone. Memories are still haunting my every moment. My brain seems to have trouble moving from one thought to the next without bypassing by the Matt+ Sarah= 4ever station. I’m trying to come to terms with it, but can’t. It’s the finality of it all. That there really will never be an “us” again. That even though he is only twenty minutes away now, I don’t have the right to go see him. I never get to lay down next to him and spill all my secrets or vent the problems away. I never get to plan for a trip, a show, a dinner, a life that involves him. I spend my time wondering why? That word will kill me. Why? Why God? Why Matt? What’s wrong with me? Why am I not worth loving this hard? Friends and Family will tell you everything you’d want to hear when you’re NOT going through a break up. That you’re beautiful, strong, and smart. That’s great, but obviously not enough. I lacked in something so much that from one day to the next he decided to leave. The crying is just as bad. Now you just look like a crazy person because you cry out of nowhere. Anything can set you off. I want to talk to him so badly. I just want to be near him.
Not any better. I had my first dream post break up about him. It was like taking a bullet. The dream was us in a normal relationship. Something I’ll never see again. I tried to stay busy. I can’t be alone. Memories are still haunting my every moment. My brain seems to have trouble moving from one thought to the next without bypassing by the Matt+ Sarah= 4ever station. I’m trying to come to terms with it, but can’t. It’s the finality of it all. That there really will never be an “us” again. That even though he is only twenty minutes away now, I don’t have the right to go see him. I never get to lay down next to him and spill all my secrets or vent the problems away. I never get to plan for a trip, a show, a dinner, a life that involves him. I spend my time wondering why? That word will kill me. Why? Why God? Why Matt? What’s wrong with me? Why am I not worth loving this hard? Friends and Family will tell you everything you’d want to hear when you’re NOT going through a break up. That you’re beautiful, strong, and smart. That’s great, but obviously not enough. I lacked in something so much that from one day to the next he decided to leave. The crying is just as bad. Now you just look like a crazy person because you cry out of nowhere. Anything can set you off. I want to talk to him so badly. I just want to be near him.
The Worst
Day 1
Day one sucks. This is the day it all happened. You lose it all. You have to come to terms with it even though your brain is screaming. You have to take down all your pictures. Delete them from Facebook, your camera, your brain. Everything reminds you of him. Everything sucks. You can’t sleep, for fear of dreaming about him. You don’t want to be awake because then you have to face reality. Eating doesn’t work. If you can manage two bites of food you choke on it because a memory hits and you start to cry. You don’t control a damn thing. Three years. Three years to plan your life around one other person. And in one day the future you had for yourself is pulled away. You want to talk to him. He was your best friend. Where the hell do you turn? You want to puke. You want to cry. You already asked God for death a few times. Memories fly by. You live and breathe denial. It didn’t really happen. He’s going to wake up from this and realize his mistake. He’s coming back. It was just a joke. Telling your friends and family makes you realize it’s really happening. They offer support. They call, come by, hug, bring tissues, try to joke. You don’t feel it though. You can’t. Day one sucks.
Day one sucks. This is the day it all happened. You lose it all. You have to come to terms with it even though your brain is screaming. You have to take down all your pictures. Delete them from Facebook, your camera, your brain. Everything reminds you of him. Everything sucks. You can’t sleep, for fear of dreaming about him. You don’t want to be awake because then you have to face reality. Eating doesn’t work. If you can manage two bites of food you choke on it because a memory hits and you start to cry. You don’t control a damn thing. Three years. Three years to plan your life around one other person. And in one day the future you had for yourself is pulled away. You want to talk to him. He was your best friend. Where the hell do you turn? You want to puke. You want to cry. You already asked God for death a few times. Memories fly by. You live and breathe denial. It didn’t really happen. He’s going to wake up from this and realize his mistake. He’s coming back. It was just a joke. Telling your friends and family makes you realize it’s really happening. They offer support. They call, come by, hug, bring tissues, try to joke. You don’t feel it though. You can’t. Day one sucks.
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