The Whys

Day 2
Not any better. I had my first dream post break up about him. It was like taking a bullet. The dream was us in a normal relationship. Something I’ll never see again. I tried to stay busy. I can’t be alone. Memories are still haunting my every moment. My brain seems to have trouble moving from one thought to the next without bypassing by the Matt+ Sarah= 4ever station. I’m trying to come to terms with it, but can’t. It’s the finality of it all. That there really will never be an “us” again. That even though he is only twenty minutes away now, I don’t have the right to go see him. I never get to lay down next to him and spill all my secrets or vent the problems away. I never get to plan for a trip, a show, a dinner, a life that involves him. I spend my time wondering why? That word will kill me. Why? Why God? Why Matt? What’s wrong with me? Why am I not worth loving this hard? Friends and Family will tell you everything you’d want to hear when you’re NOT going through a break up. That you’re beautiful, strong, and smart. That’s great, but obviously not enough. I lacked in something so much that from one day to the next he decided to leave. The crying is just as bad. Now you just look like a crazy person because you cry out of nowhere. Anything can set you off. I want to talk to him so badly. I just want to be near him.